Family and Other Serious Stuff to Consider

It's three a.m and I am ill. I have this European cough that is killing me. I didn't make it to the Church with my friends today, I simply stayed in and drank orange juice and rested and sipped on cough medicine. I'm going to take it easy I think from here on out, healthy dinners and drink water instead of beer.

I often find myself flipping through all the pictures I've been tagged in on Facebook late at night since I've been here, laughing to myself as I remember certain stuff and just coping with an overall feeling of, God I can't believe this is over. I still remember coming here on the plane thinking, "holy shit", the entire time.

I talked to my Mom today. I haven't mentioned my family at all in these blogs, which is lame considering I've been gone for ten weeks. I actually miss my rents. My mom and I get along in such a weird way.
We never got along in High School but now I feel like we get each other just fine, we live on like mutual respect for our overall non-understanding of each other as people. My parents didn't like me when I was a hippie pothead teenager but I think they've settled with my new persona of "troubled English major".

Over the summer we had big talks about how I need to move out once I graduate in May, figure something out, but today she told me that while I was away they re-did my room. They put a box spring and a frame under the mattress I bought and threw on the floor, they got me new carpets, they painted the walls, and put my posters back up. I was so flattered but I was like...why? Why waste the money?
She said something along the lines of, eh, we're trying to convince you to stay when you get back. I felt heart warmed.
But
Where am I going Ma? I'm an English major I'm going to be working at Krispy Pizza for the rest of my life don't sweat it, I don't need to be convinced.

She also said she sent me a care package which should arrive on Tuesday, with like pancake batter and stuff...and brownies for Thanksgiving. It made me feel good because I haven't talked to my family at all really since September. My parents were never the kind of parents who did stuff like that, the type who send care packages. My parents were always realists, they just taught me verbal moral ideologies and let me roam around the world freely without a curfew or explanation since 11 years old, and never said no growing up when I asked them for something that would benefit me. I.E, my guitars, and books, and all that. As a matter of fact my parents have never let me down...I mean, I wanted to go to England, and so I am in England.
I hope I can repay them someday, with that cottage on the beach I've been promising my mom since high school when I said "don't worry mom, I'm a genius, I'm gonna be fuckin rich one day", at the age of sixteen.
Heh. Weird stuff. I'm doing a lot of things my father had no interest in doing, but he's still supportive. My parent's have always supported all of my weird bullshit, and I never really thought about it.
Like for example, in my room I have boxes, and boxes, and boxes, literally overflowing with papers. Whats in these boxes? Nothing. Dittos,tests, every worksheet I ever got in High School, every paper or test I ever did in college. I jut have boxes of it that I refuse to throw out, and my dad was like "Don't worry, your boxes are still in the garage" on the phone today....why?
They never said anything when I wrote on the walls, or hung up irrelevant newspaper clippings all over my room, or put a bed on the floor, or when I knocked down my door to see if the wall would crack as an experiment..
I don't even know why I'm thinking about this stuff. My parents never said anything while I trashed their house.
I wonder what my Bro's up to. I don't know much about the kid. Maybe when I get back I'll re-invent my sense of family and get to know him better.
Weird, I've never actually thought about my parents as people before. Maybe even two real people that had to be in love, and decide to work jobs so they could conceive children who need to have elaborate trips to Europe to try and work out their young, life. It's weird to think about what they talked about when they were like...24.
I wonder if my dad thought about shit as much as I do when he was like 21? I wonder if he constantly agonized over decisions, and relationships, and all this. Probably not. In the male world I stand alone.

I didn't do anything to deserve the stuff I've been given in life. I try to reciprocate it by being thankful, really thankful, all the time. That isn't much, but maybe one day I'll have the money to monetarily give back to my parents and the world at large. Maybe. I'm going to need a really good idea though.
My whole life I've been waiting for a really good idea.

Got it! Just kidding.

So here I am. 3:30am from my London dorm, sick, but feeling, really relaxed, and calm, and I guess sober is a good word for it. I never really thought about my family before. I spend too much time thinking about the events of the past 11 months of my life. Christmas time will be extra good this year, and extra normal. I'm actually excited to hear my mom play the flute at midnight mass, instead of screaming "MOM FUCK THATS LOUD" on Tuesday nights while shes practicing.


I think this is who I am now, probably who I'll always be. I've been thinking a lot about these things lately, like who I actually am. I know who I'm not.

I'm not a beer driven college kid who is happy to chug a beer in your face. That part of me is dead/dying. Alcohol has really only been a destructive force in my young life, before I learned how to drink. I mean really learned how to drink like a normal person.
I'm not a singer/songwriter.
I'm not a musician...I do have a hobby I really love though.
I'm not capable/interested in "playing the scene". I'm either single (alone) and happy or discovering something new in someone. I'm only interested in human beings.
I'm not ever going to wear a tie.
I'm not sure what the future holds, but the past is so much fun to write/talk about.

All my stories aren't tall tales.

Cheers.
Andrew